


Trying

by Datawolf39



Series: Soulmarks [3]
Category: Death in Paradise
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Gen, He is trying though, Richard is bad at emotions, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25478578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Datawolf39/pseuds/Datawolf39
Summary: Trying to connect is hard.
Series: Soulmarks [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1529498
Comments: 9
Kudos: 11





	Trying

**Author's Note:**

> More of this verse was not expected, but no complaints here

Trying is hard. 

Trying demands sacrifice; demands a change in a behavior that has been cultivated out of desire to protect from pain, but without trying there could never be any change.

Richard wants to try because he knows that he needs to change. His Soulmates have given him so much and it is worth any sacrifice if he can even return a tenth of the feelings they had introduced to him. The trouble is he doesn’t know how. All his life he had learned to hide, to never show what he felt, and outside of the exuberance that he showed when a case finally made sense, he had always done a good job of making sure to mask his emotions. 

Unfortunately, that training was a hard thing to undo now, but he had to start somewhere. So he used what he did know, and turned it into an experiment. He started with questions. What were the limits of the Soulbond? Was empathic exchanges the limits of the bond or could there be telepathic communications? If the bond was always open, with so many involved, could the web of emotion become tangled, until there was no way to tell where the emotions originated?

First hand experience was the best way to get the answers, and if he wanted them he had to open up. He waited a few days, wanting to prepare for something that would be a big change for him, and his mates. In his own mind he could admit that he was scared. What if he was the exception to the conceived notion that a Soulmate could just abandon another? What if he, in an effort to connect, simply alienates them? 

“Stupid,” he utters to himself, and then blushes when he realizes that he has attracted the attention of the others.

“Richard?” Camille asks, and Richard can’t help flinching. Her voice is worried, and he can feel her poking at the link between them, in a tentative way, and just anticipating being rebuffed.

Instinctively, he almost does just that, and then realizes that would be the opposite of what he was trying to accomplish. He closes his eyes, and finds the fortress of walls that he had instinctively built to protect himself when he realized that he had found his Soulmates.

He imagines a door in the wall. It’s as heavy and unyielding as the wall, but he pushes against it until it’s open just a crack, and allows the fear, the timidness, the desperate need to connect, and the excitement of allowing someone in because he wants to, and not because he has reached a point where the walls shatter from the strain.

Camille gasps, and the door shuts of its own accord. Richard opens his eyes, and finds that Camille was standing right in front of him. Her eyes are full of unshed tears, and for a moment he regrets what he had done. Maybe she didn’t really want an insight to how needy, and broken, the Soulmate fate had chosen for her, was.

“Don’t you dare,” she says clearly able to read the thought with or without an open link. “I’m so proud of you Richard,” she says.

He scoffs, but can’t help the pride that wells within him at how she is acknowledging his struggle. “It shouldn’t be this hard,” he sighs. Really it shouldn't. Soulmates were supposed to be ones that you could bond with no matter what, and it had to be hard for them, hitting a brick wall every time they tried to connect. 

“You can’t do that to yourself, don’t devalue how long it took to find us. You had to learn how to deal with it as best as you could and none of us blame you for that.”

Her sincerity was undoubtable, even if their connection is closed off. Still self-esteem is not built that quickly. “You should.”

She looks ready to hit him, but thankfully, the phone rings at that moment, and they have a case to solve. Somehow though he has the suspicion that this won’t be the last time that they talk about this. As terrifying as that thought is, he can't help being grateful. His life had changed since he had come to the island. he had found his Soulmates, and even though he had given up hope, and given in the the Soul Sickness they had managed to save his life. With any luck, they could save him from the harsh feelings he had internalized after so many years. It would be a thankless task, most likely, but he hoped they would see some worth in it because he could not do it alone. 


End file.
